I'm Going to Try

There is nothing stopping me from breaking down. want to, almost. 

I want to scream. No soundproof room; bellowing

Pretty much anything you say isn't going to affect me.

Upwards. 

That's the goal and in the end we are all flailing. Failing to stand up, lying.

A Lie.

Like a snowball, growing and melting together.

And to think getting a dog makes us all glowed up.

Almost.

To want.

Down.

Breaking.

From me, stopping nothing.

Is there?

Easy like Sunday Morning vol.5

This morning we woke up to around 7cm of snowfall in Calgary, Alberta.

It's still blowing about but the temperature is 0° so it isn't sticking to the ground much. The asphalt might be too warm, considering yesterday reached +20°.

While I'm far from a meteorologist I don't need to think very hard about how this screams, "climate change." And in the last two weeks we've experienced drastic changes in Calgary weather; one day plus-mid-teens and within 16 hours it was suddenly minus four degrees. This enormous fluctuation in temperature makes living here a bit of a drain on the brain. And it seems major fluctuations in Calgary weather like the one I just described have been occurring more frequently in the last decade.

Another thing, Calgary climate is dry. 

There must be far more lotion sales per capita in Alberta. I have informed multiple people I spend an average 20, shameless minutes a day applying lotion. 

After hearing this, an old friend inquisitively replied, "you put lotion on your whole body?!" 

Yes, my skin is practically reptilian growing up near the Canadian Badlands. 

You may be interested to know Calgary's Climate Program is available to view online. See: Climate Resilience Strategy. Or below venn diagram to get the brief glimpse :

These kinds of initiatives are important and we can't stop ourselves from contributing to climate change. It's fucking inevitable. Which is why it's mega important to do what we can, even if it's only a small bit. The reality is: we are very fucking tiny in comparison to the giant globe. And I need not mention the beyond - our solar system - which isn't yet partially tapped for knowledge. The very fact we don't know enough should drive us further to explore and desire to learn.

a digression:

Desire2Learn -or- D2L was a software that the school board began using when I was in Grade nine or ten maybe. It would be a place where lesson notes are uploaded, you'd submit your assignments and projects and then once graded, it's where you'd find your subject marks. If you've ever been through or put a child through CBE I'm sure you're well aware of D2L. And the other week I wrote about how one of my Social Studies teachers from CSSD put the link to my blog (this one) in the Comments section of my grade on D2L.

Ultimately leading me to the topic of "comments section". I don't blame anyone who turns off the comments. Comments because they're largely opinions of humans can be so hurtful. When I read a bunch of negative comments I'm often reminded of that saying -you know the one- it begins with, "Opinions are like assholes..."

Reading my own timeline lately I almost feel as if there's only one way to move on from this COVID-19 shit storm in Canada and it's to agree that everybody's an asshole. Under our Conservative Governments you kind of have to be an asshole because they're the type of people who get any kind of benefit from the likes of UCP. Mentally, I don't know if I can begin to comprehend the level of stupidity shown by the Government of Alberta since coming into power. Physically, and I'll say it again loud and clear: I respect our unborn children too much to bring them into a world under Alberta UCP. This party have demonstrated time and again they do not stand by their platform, (oh wait, what's that?) nor do they want our future generation to succeed in the modern world. Equality has gone completely out the window in Alberta since the coronavirus caused a global pandemic last March. Women are being harassed in broad daylight and in public areas. Freedom is being protested. Read that again. FREEDOM. I wish I could get around physical distancing to slap some of the people who say stupid shit like the vaccines have 5G in them. jfc. I hope there's 5G because then I don't have to worry about needing Wi-Fi anymore!

My mind buzzes. It constantly reminds me to pay more attention. 

One of the things that bothers (worries) me is, I worry a lot. I worry to the point of no return and then I sit there, on the edge. My legs dangling over, head down, looking through or trying to look through or something. Ears touching shoulders. Shoulders hunched because, what else do shoulders do when the hands at the other end are gripping the side of a cliff? With gravity as my friend I worry about whatever it is there is to worry about and think the worst. My go-to crisis analysis is the absolute worst possible outcome, every single time, and it's dark. I go dark, and while I know this, I carry on. Continuing the discovery; not before cursing and taking it all back - I take it back, I take it back, I take it back - three times. I take back even thinking what I thought up.

Such is the thought process of a child of loss.

"child of loss" Definition : 

A person who experiences losing [death] a significant influence/guardian at a very young age

Obviously I just made that up, but I'm starting to think it's legitimate. People might even refer to it as PTSD because they can. Yet I tell myself, no, it can't be that. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is what happens when someone experiences something so awful, like truly fucking messed up and horrific. The people who witnessed women and children carelessly murdered in Iraq - these are the types of people who develop PTSD. While that's true. It's also true you can get PTSD from having a stillbirth or even finding out one night before dinner that your 41-year-old Father died in his bed that morning; probably. I almost believe it.

I also almost believe Albertans should be working together on a class action lawsuit. There's a growing band of COVIDIOTS and our government's lack of fair treatment and inept control of the VOCs makes me fear for the PTSD of people in this province.

Stay kind and look out for yourself and your neighbours.

Self-Medicate

close your eyes and concentrate on the happiest place in the world.

Think of the sky.

Picture the trees, maybe there's a birdhouse too.

are there any birds? Definitely a squirrel nearby.

Something like a kite floats high above.

There's an airplane way up there too.

leaves rustle making it sound like water, almost.

Sunshine is a mood

Sunshine is a light

there's a level of intoxication only solar can cause

Sunshine is a feeling

Come to think of it, I'd name my firstborn Sunshine.

everybody's happy place is some place where that warmth is at the top of your shoulders.

#COVID19AB Suburban Update

It's already April and you might be feeling tired the way people get after 12+ months of a global pandemic. These have certainly been the most trying days of all my years. And I really can't imagine having to work the frontlines during a global pandemic. 

Lately I've been thinking about a lot more than things that affect only myself. It happened in a way I didn't fully understand. Somewhere in the spaces between Spring 2020 and today I decided to become engaged in my province, and actively aware of the things happening in my city. Calgary is my hometown and if you haven't noticed, Alberta is currently a fucking shit show. Of emotions mostly, oh and government ineffectiveness. I started putting some pieces together in order to get a better understanding of the picture that is my world here in Calgary, Alberta. 

Here's the short list of things new for me, this past year:

-the company I work for was sold
-becoming a wife
-finding good renters
-Amazon Prime
-learning alternative therapy
-deciding to get politically enraged

-working from home
-thoughts of starting a family

#COVID19AB

We live in a neighbourhood I'll call upper-middle class. There's a bit of everything; a library, rec centre, schools, wellness spas, hair salons, medical offices, liquor stores and other shopping. In many ways it isn't unlike residential communities around the city. Northern Hills they call it; bit like a village.

Three weeks ago my husband phones me in the middle of the day, it was around lunch time. "Baby, I'm positive." This is how #COVID19AB entered our lives. Just like that, I told my boss via text message I'll be leaving for the day to get tested for COVID-19. I booked my test for a couple hours later and drove home, wondering how when where what, now? As I walked in the house through the garage door the first thing I did was wash my hands and start cleaning. I wiped down the kitchen, every door handle and light switch. I swept the floor. Two hours, I cleaned so I didn't give my brain the option to think about how I potentially just exposed my entire team to coronavirus. After a whole ass year, living this global pandemic, I had to be the one to bring this shit to the office? We'd been doing everything right.

Two nights prior my husband was complaining his thighs hurt. Because provincial restrictions pertaining to the global pandemic stopped him playing rec. league hockey, I thought it was a case of being out of shape. I just thought, he was in the mountains snowboarding last week. He'll take a bath and get over it. The problem is sore muscles can be a symptom of COVID-19. Because there's such a long list of symptoms, depending on your immune system you might be positive and not show any! How did he catch #COVID19AB? 

Contact tracers never phoned to tell him he was a close contact of someone who tested positive at Sunshine Village so it wasn't his trip to the mountains. We became the ones responsible for sending our colleagues to get tested for COVID-19. They were a close contact of us. I received my positive test result the next day even though HR already called to say I'm a presumed positive anyway. The day before snowboarding he was at work training his replacement and that dude ended up testing positive for coronavirus. Yet another person in the dealership tests positive. Human Resources shut both our offices for a couple days so the teams could be tested and undertake cleanings. 

The two weeks of quarantine that followed were 14 of the most fucked up days I've spent at home. I tested positive for COVID-19 and didn't know I had it. I guess growing up Albertan really does make you irrepressible? In a way his symptoms became much needed information.

Experiencing no symptoms I started working from home. The whole time worried about my husband who seemed to be experiencing a very real, very bad bout of influenza. At the same time I was thinking about me, wondering when the fuck was I going to feel or notice any symptoms of COVID-19? Each day he seemed to feel something new: body aches; sweats followed by cold flashes; around day five he lost his sense of taste and smell. Suddenly there was a cough he hadn't had before. Meanwhile I attended meetings via Zoom call or Microsoft Teams. I thought to myself multiple times throughout the day, is this headache COVID-19 related, or is it the weather changing? Living in Calgary I often experience weather-related migraines. I wondered whether I'd already contracted coronavirus over the last year to try and understand why I was asymptomatic.

I even thought, well maybe my positive test result is false.. could it be? The poor contact tracing in this province is a direct flaw of the UCP government lead by Jason Thomas Kenney. COVID-19 and our province's incompetence is killing us and placing far more frontline workers at risk. Not to mention failing to protect assisted-living facility support staffs and teachers, neither of whom have been prioritized for vaccines. How anyone can say a single thing the UCP is doing, is working, absolutely lives underneath a fucking rock or is a fascist. A January poll result shows just 26 per cent of Albertans would vote UCP again.

I always refer to myself as a dinosaur because I was born in Alberta and didn't leave. Like I'm still looking for bits and pieces of myself in order to make me whole. Half of me was discovered roughly seven years ago when I met my now-husband working in the automotive industry (at a local dealership in Northeast Calgary, nonetheless).

Growing up here, one thing I began to notice about Northeast Calgary: from Metis Trail @ Country Hills Boulevard extending south to Peigan Trail and between Highway #2 appears the most underfunded. This section is old industrial. You need only one trip to Marlborough CTrain station to learn it's a place you wouldn't wish even an enemy have to visit. Much of the mess that exists in this part of our city boils down to a lack of foresight on infrastructure. Calgary's city planners are losers.

Catch me on a good day and I'm willing to bet Northeast Calgary moves the most money in the whole city. Allow me to clarify this: I believe on a daily basis there's so much trade going off in this area that developing their own currency would leave them much better off. Why else would this same area of the city be frowned upon by people who grew up living "in the south"? Capital.

For context: 

I went to a classmate's friend's house one weekend for a "house party" in Grade 6. Thinking back, I can't remember but I'm 95% sure my Mom didn't know I was there. This kid's parents were home, upstairs. Luckily my parents treated me as a young adult; trusting me to make the right decisions. We lived in a beautiful SE neighbourhood in the community of Lake Bonavista. Dad and Mom had already split up once and moving us from the NW was his way of reconciling the family... so yeah I was a fucking grown up in my mind.

Girls and boys downstairs playing pool, video games, Truth or Dare, whatever 11 & 12-year-old kids do. (Yup, let your imagination go there) One of the first things we would talk about is teachers and school in general at that age. Extra-curricular activities may have been tied for first-place talking points. Except my friends and I didn't go to the same school as the boys who lived here. In this house there were three brothers, each about one year apart (I couldn't make this shit up I promise) and the boys played hockey with my classmate, Douglas. Now you know why I was there, Mom. 

Since my younger brother and I were the new kids we had something magical. I'm referring to the opportunity of making up whatever we wanted about where we came from. At the time I didn't know this. So when my name came up during Truth or Dare, my friends get asked, "Who's Addie?" and like an absolute idiot I said Hi, I'm from the north. And all three brothers and a few other kids said, "oo0oOohh scary!"  I also didn't know then about the whole standing up for myself and saying: "Fuck Off" to males who act like they're better than me. Thankfully I've grown since then and if anybody questions Northeast Calgary I tell them they're uncultured swine.

I remember just standing there with my arms crossed, feeling the cool trim against my back as I leaned against the nicest pool table I'd ever touched. Desperately rolling my eyes in an attempt to not look embarrassed. Eventually, "What school did you go to?" became a question I hoped I wouldn't hear when meeting new people my age. This is only my experience and I'm sure others have better -or worse- stories to tell. 

I never thought back to that night at the hockey brothers' house until recently when the topic of my high school reunion came up. It was 10 years last summer and wow, if you've been following this blog for that long I could kiss you when we're fully vaccinated. Cheers! 

Our High School, originally referred to as the Nose Creek High School opened in 2005. Two years later when I got there, I started hearing things from older students who would have been the first group to have spent all of grades 10, 11, and 12 at the school. They were saying how the Calgary Catholic School Board (CSSD) took all the shit teachers from other schools and moved them to ours. 

Again, I cannot make this up! 

I'm a firstborn but friends of mine with older siblings would hear from their friends at other schools about the teachers we were getting. The things said about our new teachers wasn't any good. Without hesitation I will tell you the worst teachers we had when I attended, taught Social Studies. My Grade 12 social teacher was a straight up misogynist. For our final project worth 80% I wrote an essay on the genocide in Rwanda. Since I'd recently started this blog I thought I'll post it so more people can read it and maybe give me feedback. When it came time for our grades this fucker gave me 0% and in the comments he had the link to my blog. At the time the title of this blog was my name. I had to beg this asshole to regrade me. Zero brought my average down significantly. I was a mostly-A's-student and I was freaking out, asking him how this was fair. His words haunt me to this day, "I'll see if I can take another look at it." I told him he had no reason not to. To absolutely no one's surprise, after regrading my essay he determined it couldn't have been worth more than 67% -yet- the first time he read it, he thought it was good enough to be plagiarized, and searched for a source on Google?

FUCK OFF MR. ZEEB.

One day, a different male social teacher didn't come to school. A friend who was in his TA told us he didn't make it the next day either. Soon after, rumours began circulating about this teacher and his habit of hovering over the desks of female students who just happened to have cleavage. 

My Mom came in to complain to our Principal about a female social teacher who was educating us on the wrong curriculum. Her word-for-word exchange with students one class was, "when you're young you want to experiment with weed or psychedelics but when you get to be my age, prescription drugs are the way to go!" This same teacher showed up one day wearing two different black loafers, one with a buckle, the other with a tassel. She'd also applied make up to only one of her eyes that day. Tell me why I'd make any of this up?

It seems to me that we are long overdue for a new Social Studies Curriculum in Alberta. Unfortunately the teaching of this subject during my Calgary Catholic high school years is but a small fraction of a much larger concern. Learning there are no Catholic high schools on the list of Top 10 in Calgary doesn't make my opinion as a CSSD student any more valid but the facts are the facts. Catholic school teaching is nothing to brag about. We need a complete overhaul of the Alberta curriculum draft for K-6 and we need it badly. We likely need a new High School curriculum due to the changes in our economy over the last 10 years. Some people will say it doesn't affect them and don't give a shit. Well, that's where you're wrong, friends.. What the UCP is doing to our wonderful province is both disgusting and heartbreaking. I can't fathom how anyone can consider the changes as good in the last two years under this government. I worry about the future that is being carved for generations to come. I don't have kids but I fear what they might go through attending public school as biracial. Christianity, which is a religion based on the life and teachings of a man called Jesus has suddenly transformed into the foundation for Albertans' education? 

I wonder how any parent could feel it's acceptable to raise free minded people in Alberta. We should all be shaking. Our nephews and nieces will be affected; friends' children and neighbours. I shudder to think how public school teachers must feel, having received the Alberta curriculum draft on the first day of their 2021 Spring Break. Are UCP Fucking Kidding Here? 

If you are a sum of your surroundings then the Alberta curriculum draft affects you. It's almost as if they gathered a gang of racist, xenophobic, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic fucks to intentionally drive the rest of us mad. If only it were all a poorly executed April Fool's Joke.

Things are different today. Today when things happen, it's big. It's all over the TL. The news spreads, we have real time updates of anything we want. Information instantly. It seems like that, because we have so many more platforms, anyone with a camera or smartphone can be a reporter. We can't deny the ways in which communication has changed. Major acquisitions are taking place. We have a carbon tax. Cannabis dispensaries replace liquor stores and physiotherapists are moving into former coffee shops or florists. Dope. Marijuana is legal. People are suddenly chefs and catering from their homes full-time. Meanwhile our inner city, now a desert complete with mirages of former nights on the town and daytime foot traffic. 

We thought we could support big box stores. Because they employ so many across this great Earth. But no, take one look at Amazon now; and I'm willing to bet a lot of my neighbours have Amazon Prime; upper-middle-and-all, apologizing to U.S. Rep. Mark Pocan. Had they done the right thing and said, "you know what, we're a big ass company! We're Amazon Prime! Let's install portable washrooms along our delivery routes so no Amazon employee will have ever have to worry about finding a restroom on the road." They could then brag about creating more jobs for people. What. The. Fuck. Were You Thinking?

Canada has a lot of one thing: land. The prairies are broad and, well, BC is far ahead of the cannabis production game so why isn't hemp being grown more? What's the big deal? I have had a cannabis prescription for the last five years through NHS and the price to quality ratio compared to what can be had recreationally is astonishing. I call the bud from Canadian LPs or Licensed Producers of cannabis "popcorn farts" you know what I'm talking about, those farts that could be shaped like popcorn because they sound like a PLOP! and they're so dry you wonder if its been dehydrated. Might as well sprinkle it in my tomato sauce when I make some. Fuck it, I'll say it: HEMP IS IN A LOT OF SHIT. When is Canada going to recognize we should be doing much more with it? If I were in High School today, this is an industry I'd want to be exploring. I believe it's time we start calling each other what we really are: 

CANADIANS.

While Alberta is a beautiful province I won't say it's the most beautiful because the other day I was scrolling my timeline and a woman called Heather was picking up garbage along the Bow River. I know a lot of places have garbage problems but I still don't think it's fair she had to stop herself counting after picking up 200+ littered masks. 

I spent about three hours picking up litter by the river.

I counted every single mask I picked up.

Guess how many I found. pic.twitter.com/y0kyA9RNxj

— Heather Buchanan (@heatherfuture) March 31, 2021

The hard part about living in a place like Calgary is you're constantly defending it. Well I do because I haven't left. I guess I did move to Edmonton once. I remember feeling like a sore thumb and so my time there was short lived. But just like E-town, Cowtown isn't for everyone. My family is what keeps me here and I'm happiest when I'm close to them. I'm also embarrassed to admit we live in Alberta which from an outsider, looks like a hot mess right now. We have a Premier who isn't from around here. This white man has caused so much chaos in the name of "personal responsibility." It's truly aggravating to love a place Doctors are fleeing. 

News of this coming down the pipe last summer was the final straw for us. We moved out of AB after 22+ years in the fall so it wouldn't affect our child's education. We were privileged to be able to do so. I'm so sorry for my friends & colleagues in AB with young kids in school. https://t.co/X3Gaf8q23r

— Dr. Amy Tan 譚玉英 *Racism is a Public Health crisis* (@AmyTanMD) March 29, 2021

I don't know anything. It isn't a secret. This life only gives you one shot and then we're off to the next. Hopefully for me it's a Red Sox game at Fenway Park. I love baseball, I love my backyard, my annoying freckles or beauty marks as referred by some. I love feeling young again. I became a wife early last year and it was to date the coolest thing I've ever been part of. My husband is the FUCKING MAN. Literally, he says FUCKING frequently. Both of us have been focused on our careers for so long I think we forgot to remember who we are. And we know deep down who it is we want to be, but our work has been our priority and especially for my husband who almost two years ago started a new job after 11 years.

After a couple days the General Manager was fired. The new one was so supportive and impactful but he only stayed for a year, and then the owner moved him to a different store and brought in a different GM. Stability is so crucial when it comes to operating as a small team. If you have an employee staying with you for an entire year, chances are they're enjoying things the way they are and can see themselves staying in the future. This is why I've always celebrated work anniversaries or tried to get the company to buy a cake for an employee on their birthday. These things might seem small but the people behind them are ultimately the only thing worth hanging onto. As a business owner, you must listen more than you speak. Or as my Mother-in-Law would say, "The reason why you have two ears and one mouth."

Today we both have full-time employment with large companies. The Dealer Principal my husband works for now was inducted to Calgary Business Hall of Fame so it's safe to say he has found an employer who will finally value him. It sucks but this small thing is sometimes a lot to ask for. The company I've worked for since 2017 was bought by one of the world's largest distributors of pulp, paper, packaging, tissue, newspaper and plywood. By the end of 2021 we'll each join a company pension plan. This is what we've worked for. Together we own four properties in Calgary. We aren't going anyway. For fuck sakes we're not even close to being finished with Alberta.

If I listen hard enough I can hear the same neighbour start up his Subaru in the early hours of the morning. While I do wonder if he'll ever sell that car, it's these little things that also remind you how some things don't change. And maybe right now it looks like too many of us don't want things to change. Honestly I'm beginning to think that's part of our problem. 

One more time will never be enough: THANK YOU to our Frontline #HCW Health Care Workers. We wouldn't do it without you. Simples.