from Edmonton, with - - - - -

this time next week there will be suitcases.

and shoe-tcases,

(a suitcase for only shoes)

there will be a serious amount of complaining and worrying.

there will be a serious amount of change,

short-term change.

do you remember what it feels like to see a magic trick happen,

for the first time?

there's the initial doubt cast upon magician,

the movements,

the questions,

the routine.

then there is your involvement,

your suspense,

your awaiting.

and then you think,

how the hell did that happen?

there was doubt in the beginning but it wasn't impeding any movements;

stopping no questions.

if you have a routine you don't usually want to change it,

but a new routine is like a breath of fresh air -

and we all need a little oxygen to live.

involved now, you're waiting and suspended in the reality of

how

the

hell

did that

happen?

do you remember what it feels like to see magic?

I'm coming for you, 

YEG.

simply stupid.

there's something to be said about trust.

possibly the worst word in the entire English language.

you buy a used car and trust the greasy salesman that its not a lemon.

you eat at a restaurant and trust that the kitchen didn't do anything disgusting to your food when you send it back.

you ask questions of your professors and trust that they give you the right answers.

it is so not hard to trust people,

and you're lying if you say it is.

it is actually because trusting is so incredibly easy, that it becomes so hard.

trusting can cost you a lot of money. it can cost you your health, your job.

when you put your trust in somebody, you put your credibility

in somebody.

when you put your trust in somebody, you put your intelligence

on hold.

- i recently forgot that these two things happen when you trust someone

and it cost me possibly the most serious goal I ever set for myself.

and it made me look simply stupid.

Paige Wilson said,   

"You can only trust yourself...and barely that."

I trust myself more than I should and that's only because I grew up knowing that trust hardly exists.

possibly the worst word in the entire English language.

trust your heart, they say.

trust your instincts, too.

trust your parents, your friends,

there are so many things you can trust, you just must!

seriously though,

don't do it.

if i hear this one more time.

Hey - I just met you.

And this is crazy, 

but here's my number:

(403)-836-3260

so call me, maybe.

good morning, Mothers

i didn't sleep in my own bed last night.

but i felt warm and comfortable and safe.

good morning, Sunday.

good morning, Mother's Day.

it's finally here,

the day we celebrate the woman whose vagina we came into this world through.

the day we celebrate the woman who woke us up before the sun, made our lunches for school,

reminded us that our science project was still on the kitchen table, and tucked us in at night after making our dinner and teaching us how to grow.

the day; today, we celebrate the woman who maybe saved us,

maybe gave us everything we never thought we could have.

maybe everything we thought she'd not be able to give.

so to the women; the mothers; the best friends; the saints; the saviours:

Happy Mother's Day.

every day should somehow be for you.

YOU ARE AWESOME! :)

haha..why am i awesome?

Just cuz you are. I think you're pretty spectacular :)

and i figure if no one has told you lately, someone should.

well..isn't that lovely?

yes, it is.

one good fuck deserves another.

i'm really not a girl-friend.

i'm not a girlfriend, either.

but i've been there. both places.

having to be a girl-friend is much more difficult because you can't suck a girl's dick to make her feel better.

among other things, i suppose...

girls are fun when you have a girls night and everybody gets along.

in other words,

girls are fun when you feel like it.

at the same time that girls can be fun, they can be awful.

they can be wicked and cruel and catty; my favourite of terms.

most of all, they're horrible to themselves.

girls don't realize how much power they have because of the almighty vagina.

the only woman to have ever melted was the Wicked Witch of the West...and even then, she was supernatural so i'm sure it doesn't count.

the point is, boys melt.

and that's why a girlfriend will get away with more than a girl-friend.

girls are also fun when you have to sit and listen to the stupid things they've done.

the stupid and hurtful things that they have put themselves through.

themselves through...

girls! do other girls; and lets not even mention boys, not hurt you

enough,

already?

i'd say so, yes.

what else makes girls fun?

the lying? the revenge? the snakey eyes?

well yeah, those things are what make anyone fun.

but girls are fun, most of all, because they don't even know it.

here.. i'm a boy.

i'm a boy you like and i'm a boy who is a complete and total asshole.

i won't say hello if i walk into a room full of people that i know.

i won't smile unless someone says something to add to the height of my horse.

i won't look you in the eye and tell you that i've said awful things about you for no reason.

i won't let you get away unnoticed, though.

so the girl; who i most certainly am not, will...

give him the attention he craves; no, requires.

give him the laughter...the air for his tires.

the eyelashes...a perfect boost for an ego.

until eventually, she gives him the most important thing.

herself.

and it happens this way all the time; every day.

girls talking to their girl-friends about boys who made them feel awful.

made them feel as if they were on an even-playing field,

only to come from behind with a new game plan.

one that pleases and benefits only them.

and as a former-girlfriend, i've been hurt of course.

i've hurt, of course.

but myself? no.

i don't let someone hate my guts, and then fuck them because they have a sudden change of heart.

they have an erectile epiphany that's supported only by liquid courage and a sweaty dance floor. 

they have the perfect recipe for a fun girl.

a girl who deserves everything she gets because she lets it happen.

a letter to you dear.

dear.

such a funny word to address someone by.

i suppose it's fairly outdated at present,

but quite common at the same time.

very well. i'm here to discuss other matters.

its an abusive relationship.

not physically. we've clearly ruled that out.

it would be cool though, wouldn't it?

"hey, i think i know you from somewhere...

we must have wrestled before."

let's not.

instead, the abuse is quiet and raw.

subtle enough that we keep coming back for more.

yet not enough to tear us away from each other.

i've abused you. maybe you've abused me.

it doesn't matter at this moment.

but i've never wanted nothing less than the entire world,

for you.

can we make it through this asylum called life?

of course we can. because we're all in this together.

today is just a memory of tomorrow.

i remember that day so well.

i was in the middle of doing one thing or another when i heard the conversation.

(its a good thing my ears aren't as bad as my vision..or memory)

it was dark and bright at the same time

and it felt like my heart was so heavy.

now you've been gone nearly two years,

and i see you when i see you

but you don't see me as often as you want to.

i only miss you when i see you

so that's why its so hard.

and that's why we have to be apart right now.

until the day we plan to meet again, obviously.

and on that day you'll be a little taller.

i won't pinch your cheeks and tell you how smart you're starting to look but i might tell you that i've done it.

i might tell you that i've completely lost my marbles, dear.

i've always wanted super powers.

x-ray vision. the ability to fly.

super strength.

they're all pretty cool.

they're all pretty dream-worthy.

you can stand on the edge of the world and shout.

or you can search the deepest, darkest corner of silence.

you can travel the world in hopes of finding one of them.

but you won't find them.

and this is because they're not easily found or bought.

you can't always ask, but when you do, be sure you're certain.

because there is one type of power that you can ask for.

how many people do you talk to throughout the day?

and how many of those people would you say have super powers?

these questions are obviously rhetorical, but at least you're thinking.

some of those people are going to act as if they do in fact have super powers.

but all of those people in fact do have one super power.

only one.

of which they don't know.

they might think they can see everything. figure anything out.

x-ray vision.

they might be avid runners whose rush comes from feeling fast and free.

the ability to fly.

they might even be able to carry incredible weight on their backs their shoulders their minds.

super strength.

but when these people think about all the super powers they'd like to have,

or the ones they think they have - they're forgetting about the power they don't know about.

the times they couldn't see everything; figure anything out. and the times they were trapped and hindered from being free and feeling fast. and the times that they just couldn't stand the burdens any longer.

it's the super power that can be given and taken away just as easily.

it's the super power that is more powerful than anybody thinks about.

because its powerful, but its not a power at all.

it's invisibility.

and we can give it to each other whenever we want.

what the hell happened...

to blogger?

it used to be quite simple to navigate through; post a new entry, publish, edit, etc.

i was uninformed of the changes and this is what annoys me the most.

there should have been an option.

onto other news.. blogging has become a thing of the backburner for me.

looking for pieces of this puzzling life of mine is exhausting enough as it is.

more so now than ever; (because of the layout changes and transition to white...) i have been avoiding the blog.

I've also been avoiding the blog because there is a very large gap between the things i want to type and the things i don't want to type and I've been stuck in this gap for quite some time without assistance and not so much as a rope of any kind. (where is everybody?)

maybe they have a full-time job or a child or spring courses. maybe they really have nothing to do but are just extremely talented at hiding it. maybe not. maybe i'm crazy.

and i am.

well today i spent part of the afternoon with someone who didn't have a rope but they did have a face.

a very handsome, yet familiar face it was.

and the voice was just as familiar.

mostly it was talking. it was lovely and refreshing and heartbreaking and sweet.

it was so sweet, i almost didn't deserve it.

but because i am so thankful to have this face in my life,

i did.

i'm struggling for words now...(since when?) i know.

i also know that i don't know a lot, which is why there's a struggle.

we know nothing, essentially...that's why we're here.

to learn. anything. as much as humanly possible.

to challenge. everything. as much as we can stand.

i suppose that's why I've come back to "blog" (complain) about the changes of blogger.

because no matter how tough things get; no matter how challenging -

there's always a lesson. there's always something to be learned.

things change - shit - they change all the time; every minute; every day.

and there's only so much avoiding you can do.

there's only so long you can stand back from the challenge.

so here i am.

blogger-ing...on this shitty new layout which i'm sure others find conveniently refreshing and effective.

shit, i never really understood a whole lot about computers.

i like the coffee chat. the face-to-face. the brilliant teeth and tongue action.

it's a beautiful thing.

thank you for activating your brain cells and reading this; (if you did) -

sincerely yours,

another citizen just looking for the cure.