what's up kid(s)

i miss you and you haven't even gone anywhere
except that you have
where, i couldn't tell you
but maybe you could
i won't ask though
because the last time that we had a serious conversation, i made you cry
i love you and i want you to know that
i have told you that you are incredible beyond words
things aren't the same as they were, but that's okay for now
we'll work it out
i don't know what's up

i walked into the house on saturday night
and after i kicked off my shoes i said, "WHAT'S UP KIDS?!"


what have you been doing in the afternoons?
how's that boy that you've been liking?
are you going to newfoundland this summer?

having the last words

take your life
hold it in your hands
what happens?
a terrible thing:
no one to blame

i was only right 4 times

almost everybody that i love believes in god
but of course, i can't believe what everybody else believes
and it is inevitable that my grandparents and i will argue about it
my grandpa stayed out of it this time though
but my grandma just doesn't understand that i realize WHY she believes what she does
she thinks that i do not understand the religion that i have been taught for 12 years
mary was a virgin?
please tell me that you can have a child without sex
my grandma; who has had two children, is among those that believe this
guess what?
mary lied.
what kind of almighty father sets up a trap for the first two people on earth
"you can have anything you want, except that... you see that right there? yeah, don't touch that"
and then god let the devil into the garden to speed up the process
guess what?
it was all a trap.

god does nothing
you told me yourself that god gives you two decisions: right and wrong
but it's all up to you to do the right thing
therefore: god does nothing
it is you that makes the decision
god does not inspire you
and that is why there are people who choose to murder others
because if god inspired you, and all god wants is good, then none of that would happen

i am happy that you have something to believe in, grandma
i said this over and over again
never once did i try to get you to believe what i do
yet you persistently attempted to explain to me what i already know
i only asked that you explain to me how it makes sense to believe what you do
and all you could manage was, 'because i just believe that'
i guess we're both too stubborn to take a breath
because i nearly lost my voice
i'm not sorry that i think the bible is bullshit
and i'm not sorry that i don't believe the same things that you do
after everything that god has not done for me, do you honestly expect me to?

i guess i'll just stare out the window
and guess what colour the next car that comes up the hill will be

oh shit, she's right

i argued with my grandma tonite about whether or not her and my grandpa were here for my birthday last year
i promise that it took up almost an entire hour
she was trying to convince me that the two of them weren't in kelowna
but they were
i made her find last year's calendar
and bring out that day timer from the 50's with the yellow pages
she writes everything in that god damn thing
and sure enough
in the square for july 2, she wrote: leave for kelowna
i'm not going to be here for my birthday this year
but that's okay
maybe we can argue again next year
i love my grandparents

coffee for the weak

i can't lay awake forever
but that is exactly what i seem to be doing
and i'm never tired
but i'm tired of that

i will never see a head turn if i say the word

for the longest time i just wanted you to stop trying to be part of my family
because there were no empty shoes
i never did any of the things with my dad that i do with you
you are two completely different people
but a father is a father
no matter the worth
you can stop trying to be part of my family
because in a way you kind of are
it's just not perfect and it never even was

"ah hullo, call me beck. it's granpa john."

you are the most amazing man in the world to me
a heart of gold
a smile like the sun
you are so funny
and what's better is you make yourself laugh
i love every minute that we spend together
i am thankful for every lesson learned
and every pound of food that you have fed me
(before and after i was full)
there is nobody that could fill your shoes
and i'm okay with that
because i wouldn't want anyone other than you
to be where you are in my life
i love you so much

i told myself i wasn't going to cry. and i lied.

the last time i remember this day at all was when we lived at 90
and by we, i mean the three of us
you came over to the house and i handed you the box
i think you knew it was a dress shirt
i can't remember if we got you a tie too
but you opened the card and then after a couple seconds asked,
"who wrote this?"
and i told you that i did
you didn't believe me so you asked my mom
and after she told you the same thing that i did, you said,
"your printing is awful"

and i know it is
i bet you didn't think that i remembered that, did you?

today's not going to be the best day
it's not going to be easy ever again
that third sunday in june
i'm already crying
the worst part is not knowing that i don't get to say it
it's that i have to think about not being able to say it

i loved you
and your printing wasn't that nice either

why do they never make sense?

i don't usually have dreams about you
except that one time during spring break
and it's weird that i always seem to dream about you
when i'm never thinking about you at all
but we were somewhere with a beach
and my family was staying on the floor above yours
you found me
and you brought me down to see your family
your sister colored her hair darker than it used to be
your mom just looked at me and said to you,
"tell her, just explain to her why..."
and so you turned to me and said,
"it's because you stole the whale and threw it back into the ocean."

but there has to be more

i'm not entirely sure how i feel about it

there are so many things to weigh in

maybe it is wrong to contact people that are no longer part of this world

but there has to be more than just this

what if somebody could answer that for us?

i just want to test it

and maybe test isn't the right word

but the whole thing is disputable in my mind right now

who is james and why wouldn't he tell us where he was from

how the hell did he know maria's dog's name when not even i knew that she's had a dog?

and when we asked him if there was anything he needed to tell us

it kept going from M to E and back to M and then E again and again

the answers are out there

i know i believe that much

dear summer:

treat me well.

calorie-free sparkling water beverage

go home, kid
something serious is going on
and i can't just stand back and watch it all happen
i just can't let you do this to yourself
it's not going to end well
nobody ever said that it was going to be easy
nobody ever said it was fair

happiness is a warm gun

she's not a girl who misses much
what the hell are you talking about?

a deal for a date

i dont have to wake up early tomorrow to be at school for choir
another year has come and gone
right before my eyes
i ask myself this time and again - where have i been?
where have i been?
i love you more than words can tell
we have been closer than siblings for years now
and i would not have it any other way
i would not have this with anyone other than you
you are an incredible part of my life that i am beyond thankful for

and today,
on the last day of grade eleven
we barbequed hot dogs and talked about our futures
our future of grade twelve
and our futures after that
a year from now, we really will be finished with high school
but we'll be far from finished with each other

i love you, so much
never will that change

people need to get off the internet and sit on a bench

"i'm outside your house"
"what?"
"are you coming?"
"yeah."

that's what i like to hear
2 cigarettes in
and we're back on track
it may be late
but it's never too late

it's even better to hear that we're both still around

stuck in drive

the sidewalks are all broken up
down the street from my house
people can't even park on their own driveways
this city controls what you do
but lets not let this world control who we are

you're an angel, angel.

2010

so when i get to thinking, all i can think about is too much
another year is closing in on me
and by year i mean school year
high school is almost two-thirds done
by golly that's more than half way
i guess i did learn a thing or two about a thing or two
so this is it kids
here we are and we're doing great things every day
one step closer to where we'll be tomorrow
and in the future
yet it's so hard to think about the future

i'm going to be on that stage next june
i'm going to walk across and shake some hands along the way
and when i turn to look at the sitting faces
i want to see the ones from kindergarten AM
and the portable in grade four
and i know that you're all going to be there

to the ones i've grown up with:
i wouldn't trade you for anything
your presence in my life has helped me become who i am today

to the ones i'm learning to grow with:
you teach me new things every day
your addition to my life is so important to who i will become

nice wheels baby, i like those legs

touch green
super trooper
lets go right meow
right back, right back
protect
i wanna see you on base
grip and rip it baby
straighten it out now
good eye

when i say go, you say fight
when i say win, you say tonite
when i say boogey on, you say down
when i say all, you say right
go.
fight.
win tonite.
boogey on down.
alright alright!
1.
2.
3.
TRIPLE THREATS!

almost noon, i mean none

i'm just sitting here wanting to write so badly
"sorry - fresh out." he would sometimes say
i guess i'll have to borrow that one for tonite

lets open our eyes for a second

i dont know when it started exactly
but when i look back and really think about it
i'm pretty sure it was right around the time
where i came back from my trip
and then you went on yours
but then we were both back
and i remember telling myself that things will roll themselves out
everything would just fall back into place
but, no
i couldn't just pick up a rolling pin and go to town
we used to spend time with each other every day
but then all of a sudden there was a 'thursday' issue
and that was fine with me
i'm so happy for you
because i know that you enjoy every minute you spend
with the new people in your life
and i know that i haven't been the best person lately
i know that i've been all over the place
and that i really should be paying more attention to what's going on right in front of me
i'm really sorry that i let it go to this

what has gotten into us?

i've got it, kid

my mom and i woke up this morning
to find 2 packs sitting on the kitchen counter
her kind and mine
and it's not the fact that he knows what we like
but it's the fact that he took the time to remember
he remembers last night
saying,
"who wants to come out."
and right away i jumped in with,
"i'm coming with one of yours."
and then there's my mom,
"well... i dont't have any..."
and he's always right back with,
"well then grab one of mine! lets go!"
and so we sat in the sunshine and talked about our day

i shouldn't complain
and i really should be handing out more credit to you
thanks for taking care of me
you always do