31.1.21

The Future's not in the past

Seriously, if you want to attract wealth you need to believe you are worthy of happiness.

Somehow I forgot I wrote this, originally December 29th 2019. I was 26 years old, on vacation with my fiancé and his parents in Laos. The biggest thing I noticed during our trip was the difference in wealth and one word sums it up well, that's stark. We walked or cycled past homes that would be classified here as million-dollar-mansions. There would be electronic iron gates protecting the front of the properties. Statues made of marble or who the fuck knows. The people on the inside of the walls of these houses don't have the faintest clue about happiness. They wear LV and speak only in material or image. It reminds me, in a way, of the leadership in Alberta right now. In a way, they're living in the past under a communist regime. Sorry if that's confusing, but I know you've been paying attention if you live in Alberta too.

Focusing rather on what you have, instead of what you want, might bring about the spark that sets you off on a path to getting the thing you really want. I don't have a ton of money but I do have enough to donate, for example. So three or four times a year I'll go through my drawers, the linen closet, the basement and garage, to find items that deserve to be appreciated. I did this earlier today. COVID-19 has put so many people through rough situations I don't know sometimes, how to feel. But I do know that donating clothes, towels, shoes or other household tools makes me feel a little better.

To be clear, giving money away isn't about making you feel good. The feeling the act of charity gives is only a bonus. It's more about boosting your odds of being successful. Success is a result of doing something you believed you could.

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Think about your personal goals, the ones you've followed through on. 
Now think back to your mindset at the time you reached those goals. Were you high on positivity? Surrounded by like-minded people, lifting you up? Your mental attitude will reflect your success and I'm willing to bet in those moments you hit that target, you were feeling your most/best because you worked hard. Anything worth having takes a lot of work after you reconsider it. Not only did that glowing result take effort but was made possible in part because of the fact you felt supported.
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Right next to the mansions in Laos you can find a tiny version of a home made of what looks to be logs, straight tin and wood. The roof might be slanted. You see children actually playing in the yard; a bicycle; a dog or a chicken scuttling across. They have the richest people you can imagine sharing a fence with an average income-earner ($621.00 CAD Annually) and it's like we almost can't fathom it because it's something we'd never find around where we come from. I get that the standard of living is nowhere close to that of Canada but seeing it with my own eyes really put the whole concept of happiness into perspective for me. There are two kinds of happy people: those people with extra and those who have no room for extras.

As we get older we notice the majority of people want one of two things: 
-Money
-Status

So if we really look at what most people want (money) it means we should all be focusing on the surplus of money, in order to get it. 
Think: lots and lots of money.
Visualize: yourself winning the lottery. 
Perceive: you have too much money.
What people tend to focus on is actually the opposite - the fact they do not have money/fame. 
We don't feel we earn enough for all that we do. Our bills are increasing; there's insurance for everything. We want a pet but then we have to find the means to feed and support it. We don't think about the total at the register, after filling our cart up at the grocery store. It's so full that we need help pushing it through the parking lot to our vehicle.
I've caught myself saying, "more is better" before but that doesn't mean I'm talking about wanting to have more than others. Whatever happened to equality? Does community even exist anymore?

Just take one look at the Toilet Paper aisle in your local grocery store to determine the answer.
Humans can be total garbage people.

"Right now if you have a job you should really be thankful."
I keep hearing this and it pisses me off because I know a lot of people with student debt accumulating, who are taking university courses online, not knowing whether they'll come out with employment on the other side. That to me sounds fucking terrifying. 
Now in Alberta the economy revolves around the O&G industry and it's no surprise they're rich fuckers, and it's what post-secondary students want for themselves. Can we blame them? Of course not - people want lots of money so they gallop in the direction of money, historically. But isn't that the problem?
Historically the money in Alberta has come from the oil and gas industry. And yet our government continues betting (literally, 1.5B - that's B for BILLION) on a near-dead source of income. What if the more you started paying attention to wealthy people, the more you attracted things of wealth to your life? It might sound bizarre and I don't know if I've run out of options, for what it's worth I think it's about time we started looking at their way of doing things instead of always bitching about it. And for the record I'd like it if someone started telling Jason Kenney he's the one who's fucking lucky to have a job right now. Anyone I talk to absolutely hates the man.

Starting now I'm going to be grateful, more than ever, for the money I do have.
Grateful for the career I've chosen wholesale & business development.
I turned 26 the year I started with this company and maybe that means nothing or something but I won't know unless I keep working toward my target. Sometimes I will think about how today I might have been a lawyer or nearly finished with med school had I keep going. Then I remember how at twenty-one-years-old I chose to assume the debt of a homeowner rather than that of a student. I'm thankful and I'm proud but I'm not entirely certain all the time. And that's OK.

Let's back it up a bit to changing your (my) perspective. 
10 years ago I remember saying to my family I want six kids. SIX. Yet in the last six weeks [Edit: ~2 years] I've questioned the decision - out loud, [quote] I don't know if I want to bring kids into this world. [unquote] 
Last week I went to drop off my niece's birthday gift and one of my Sister-in-law's friends asked me if we're planning to have children. I think I laughed before I could spit out an answer and if I'm totally honest I didn't really recognize the answer that emerged. Yes I realize life is all about the way you look at things. What you take away from your experiences is ultimately how you become You. That can be angry, sensitive, erratic, and even responsible. 
"Until Jason Kenney is out I wouldn't dream of bringing a kid into this province," is what I heard myself respond with. You can laugh all you want but what I'm really saying is, my eyes are open.

As we get back to our lives, traversing the Year 2021, we're bound to learn some new things. Last year was trying for so many people. Our instincts have become almost defensive. It seems like over the past 12 months we became overly-sensitive or disillusioned. I don't want to say it's a result of being in a largely-conservative region and watching the fall of Donald Trump south of our border, but hey - it doesn't hurt to remind you: not everything you read on the internet is true. Believe what you will. He can fool the majority but he can't fool me twice.

I read somewhere that just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right. 
And if you think money's going to buy happiness I think you're forgetting one very important thing:

The future's not in the past.

16.1.21

Personal History

Because it has been a little while since I last filled you in I thought I'd give it another shot.

I'm married now. Fucking rights, it'll be a year in six more weeks. Then again we've been in a pandemic for about as long, they say the 1st year of marriage is a "honey-moon stage" but they never said anything about having to spend every single day with your new husband! Man I want Me-time.

Of course I'm only joking. I love my husband to pieces, he's the best thing to ever happen to me. And if our wedding was planned two weeks later it likely would not have happened, so to say I've been grateful beyond measure these last 12 months is an understatement. Thank you Marsha

I wrote a poem this morning, a Haiku called With Time

I'm reading Memoirs and Misinformation by Jim Carrey and Dana Vachon and I'm not sure why it's taking me so long to finish this memoir satire because it isn't very good. Not bad, just not.. great? I like that it's whimsy but I didn't think Jim Carrey needed help being whimsical, if that makes any sense. I do love Jim Carrey, he's Canadian.

I wanted to bring up How The Grinch Stole Christmas and just today while fact-checking this post I realized it's not called "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" - huh?

I kid you not since 2000 I've watched this movie, starring Jim Carrey, AT LEAST TWO TIMES AT CHRISTMAS TIME and I didn't even know the fucking title of the fucking movie.

Which goes to show you, you're learning every GD day! And if you're not, well what's the point?

My husband is in the background opening and closing cupboards and closets while jotting on a small, square notepad I received for supporting MS Society of Canada. He's making a list of things we normally buy at Costco. I'll admit we go to Costco twice (maybe) a year, to buy things like TP, PT, batteries, and anything we know we can store for long periods of time. We don't have a big need for COSTCO - lol, which is why I've been known to say that I can't stand it.

It's only because we can't seem to go in there without dropping five hundred dollars. 

But anybody and everybody loves that place.

You know, Canada has one of the highest rates of multiple sclerosis in the world. 

I digress.

There's a lot to know about what we've been up to at work these days. Some might call it hustling and others hassling.

I haven't been able to keep my finger on the pulse because every time I look at the clock it's the end of the work day. There's no time for lunch; we can't even remember if we went to the bathroom. All hands on deck doesn't even begin to cover the list of things that have been put onto our plates since the summer. We can't work any harder, we must work smarter. 

What do you think of when you want to make dinner?

Do you look in the fridge, or check your pantry to see what you've got?

That's normally how I start my cooking adventures. I'll gather an inventory of ingredients on-hand and then browse either my mind, my recipe book or the endless interwebs for inspiration. 

Five years ago I decided to incorporate fish into my vegetarian diet. My then-boyfriend took me on holiday to Puerto Vallarta. This was the first time we travelled to a resort together for an all-inclusive style vacation. Now there's something I love. Both my husband and I love cooking so between the two of us it's relatively simple to make meals. Even though I'm pescatarian. 

The taste of the fish from Mexico was something else - maybe we don't get the same experience with seafood here in the Alberta prairies because growing up I seem to remember most people saying they don't like seafood. It's probably because your parents overcooked it!

I have made eggplant as a side for dinner parties (oof that sounds like I'm talking about a ghost) and one of our friends who doesn't like eggplants asked me what it was. When I told him he just about fell over, adding, "it's delicious." Once again, learning how to take something and turn it into something else.

Speaking of vacation I so badly want to book one. Then I think again about how fucking privileged that makes me sound and I reconsider. I am lucky and I appreciate the support system I have. My Mother tried to give me $25 for the pack of Charmin I dropped off at her door earlier and I wanted to cry when she text me asking how much do I owe u? I wish I could give her a fucking vacation. But she'd never let me pay for it and I'll tell you why...

Years ago, back when my stepbrothers only just moved out on their own, the five of us kids decided to get our parents a trip to Las Vegas for Christmas. I must have been in grade nine or whatever. I had a full-time job, Mom got me working as a receptionist at a hair salon. The stylists would sometimes be so booked they didn't have time to get anything to eat during the day and often asked me to run out to pick up Starbucks, Burger King. Handing me their keys, these were the days long before SkipTheDishes and UberEats and I wish I had seen it then as a business. I can't believe I only had my Class 7. Needless to say I didn't wonder until I was much older why the same woman who neglected to pack herself lunch for work was the same woman who couldn't be bothered to ask a 15-year-old if she had a Driver's Licence. 

Those were the days. They were so good I bet you forgot I was telling you about the trip to Vegas we bought for our parents who MISSED THEIR FLIGHT.

Well I never was the greatest storyteller but I'm not giving up.

Not yet.

2.1.21

2121

I spent much of today cleaning the house. It was therapeutic and needed after a year such as 2020. We're all feeling it I'm sure... though it is different for everyone. 

For me the year started off especially busy since our wedding was planned the last weekend in February. Earlier I skimmed through my 2020 agenda to find some of the meetings and appointments scheduled for around this time, a year ago:

January

11th - finalize reception playlist

13th - meet caterer (also our neighbour) at reception to introduce our banquet manager; discuss logistics

18th - meet DJs re: music and lighting

19th - show DJ reception, set up, etc.

21st - alterations for Laos dress

25th - dinner reservations for my "Bachelorette-NOT" outing

28th - 50% payment due to ceremony venue

31st - quiet dinner with two of my girlfriends from elementary who couldn't make the previous dinner

February

1st - consultation with ceremony venue re: decorations

2nd - meet Best Man at Moore's to find a suit jacket

10th - pick up wedding dress from the seamstress (a.k.a. the final fitting)

14th - Valentine's Day

22nd - Husband's Birthday + Engagement/pre-wedding photos at Lake Louise

23rd - meet at our officiant's home to go over ceremony (bring our Moms)

24th - the start of my time off from work (T minus 4 days till "I Do's")

I know there were a lot of mini appointments, tasks and activities between this time and the day of our wedding but it was starting to become a bit of a blur from here. 

One of the best days in between the research, stress and development was the afternoon my now-husband and I spent with my grandparents around their kitchen table. We started a system like the assembly lines you envision in a factory. I bought these white, paper candy boxes to fill with chocolates and candies; one of a few wedding favours. These were meant for guests at our ceremony, which was held over lunch at a popular steakhouse in East Village, Calgary. 

Our married friends told us it would go by so fast, they said we needed to try and soak it all in. Of course we tried our best, and it's partially why we stretched the events to last the weekend.

The boxes had to be folded just right. They came as sheets and would stay in the shape of a container once a small piece of ribbon was looped through two tiny holes and tied closed. It probably sounds tedious but since our marriage ceremony was limited to 42 it actually didn't take that much time to put 50 of them together. We had a lot of fun that day and I remember my Grandpa enjoying it the most. As the first grandchild of the family he and I are extremely close so I also wanted him to feel involved.

It was determined by my Grandmother who we (almost) never question, that you must put an odd number of "candies" in the boxes. We tried to ask her why, especially since my husband was curious about this compulsion for numbers. Grandma just said, "because" and it's the answer we stuck to. I think it's important to note, I've 100% used this reason for anything and everything in marriage since - Thanks GramsFour Perugina chocolates and one White Rabbit candy were placed inside each wedding favour.

When we were thinking of a date for our wedding we gravitated towards some of our favourite numbers, which I'm sure anyone who has planned their wedding can relate to. For my husband and I, our favourite numbers are pretty well the same so it wasn't like we had a hard time deciding. It happened somewhere between Nong Khai and Vientiane as we travelled through Thailand to Laos in December of 2018. Ha ha, now there's a fun thought - remember travelling? (pre-COVID19 of course)

Numbers are significant for many people. Some cultures will deem a number as "bad luck" the way East Asians don't trust the number four. And for whatever reason the number 13 is synonymous with being unlucky. It's why some buildings won't have a thirteenth floor. There is no data to prove 13 is bad luck, however there is a very real phobia called Triskaidekaphobics to explain the fear or avoidance of this particular number. 

My father-in-law soon became obsessed with our wedding once we had chosen the date. He even made up reasons for our choice too; another senior citizen with a passion for numbers it would seem. He told his friends that his son's favourite number is 8 and that mine was 2 and that's how we settled on the 28th. Then he started saying, it's because I'd be turning 28 later that year. It didn't really matter to us, we were just as excited. But if I'm being honest, I did pick the date for a specific reason. I knew I wanted to get married the same day as my favourite number. I could have chosen any month but I wanted to pick a strong set of numbers - a day that could not falter : 

02-28-20