this one's called why?

the last time i remember loving someone i was thirteen. really loving someone. not the way you love your mom, not the way you love your dog, not the way you love sleeping naked in the summer. the way i loved was much different than that. someone once told me that someone once told them that we only bother to have fights with the people we love because we care about them so deeply. why bother to fight if you didn't give a shit right? and i know you've heard the saying, 'you don't know what you've got till it's gone,' but do we ever really know what we have? sure, we have the clothes on our back and maybe the tattoos in our skin but other than that there isn't much. how many times have you asked yourself, 'how am i feeling today?' i'm willing to bet the number can fit on one hand.

(assuming you have fingers)

but can you love someone you're not willing to fight over? you can.

we might love the wrong things sometimes but it's harder to find ourselves loving the wrong people. generally, as we grow, we know the kind of people who we would like to be surrounded by; we love them. we love them because they are good to us and they are good for our soul and we think they love us back. we love them because in this world love can be the biggest force against disaster. well, wouldn't you know?

look into my eyes and tell me that you love me and tell me that i'm the best mistake you've ever made.

and if it happens that way we fall for it, just like that, don't we?

why then?

why, when we are loved, do we just give in like that?

i could take a wild guess and say that i think it's because we are afraid we don't love ourselves quite enough but if i were to make an even wilder guess it would be that we are here.

we are here to be loved and when we are we are fulfilled. when we are loved we feel like there is no better feeling in the world; wanted, needed. we are what we need to be, we are what we want to be,

we are loved.

the last time i remember loving someone i was thirteen. i didn't look this person in the eyes and tell him that i loved him but he knew because i told him that i loved his hair and how we had the same Iron Maiden t-shirts and that he would walk me to my house before going home after school. he knew because i was terribly annoyed by the girls from the public school who came down after their school let out (earlier than ours) to see him, to flirt with him. he knew because i let it show and he knew because he flirted back.

we let the people we want to love us, hurt us too.

why then?

why would we allow ourselves to be hurt by the same thing that we want to love us? seems a bit silly doesn't it? seems a bit demented, a bit...

stupid? is love stupid? is wanting and craving love just a silly demented and stupid thing to want and crave?

yes. maybe. maybe not. maybe why we want to be loved and why we allow ourselves to be hurt has the same answer. because. because we hurt ourselves by not loving the ones who love us, just as much as we hurt them. why? because even though we have what we wanted and craved all along we are still not satisfied. what a disaster love is.