let the ball drop

december 31st is the 365th day of the year
well there's something that i've never said out loud before
though i've known it all along

the proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
this drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve when you get so drunk you ...
which is why, my friends, it is important to look back on all of the days before
because lets face it - you're never going to remember that 365th day of the year

today, i'm alive and well
i have seen so much in the past 364 days
but there's so much more to see
there are so many more 365 days

cheers to a New Year!
and another chance for us to get it right.

i will not dwell on the past for it is not in my grasp

the steering wheel was that night, though
in the heat of the moment you're not sure what level of high you are
in the rush of those last few seconds that you felt before it all stopped
everything was spinning
was it?
i dont think i'll ever be able to explain
what did i write on that piece of paper?
caution: trembling hands
too many questions that i dont remember
thank you
you were so strong for me

shy guy

can we please talk about your jacket?
courderoy. why are you so adorable?
and when you told me, you used the word thoroughly
so glad to know now
a little more than before
i think i'd like to move there, too
pausing to take it all in
a breath of newer fresh air
happy to be here
pleased to meet you.

you say you like the way i think

the people that want to stick it out with you
will know what to do when the time comes

and the ones that aren't willing to compromise, wont
they wont get it - but then again, maybe they never did

state of mind

can we talk about how i feel about you?
you're confusing and kind
you're a perfect that's all your own
but you're not here for me
and i guess i need to stop wanting you to be here

and then there's you, who's been more than good to me
for so long, and for so many strange reasons
it's been almost a year since the day that i realized
how important you are to my life

you've got this head on your shoulders
that is filled with unspoken thoughts
depths that i am not strong enough to reach
it's not my place, and that's okay
i miss you a little too; maybe more, maybe not

take your life and really hold it in your hands
take a long look, please
i knew you once, and you were far better than the person that i see today
do not ruin your future, or your now for that matter
slowly, and quietly, you are less and less

you're new and exciting to me
and you have a story that i would like to hear
i like your shoes
and my smile lasted the rest of the day
simply and honestly

maturity is learning to live the paradox

paradoxes are beautiful in their being difficult to understand

we have to let go to have.
if we insist on holding on, we lose what we want.
when i say i am angry, i no longer feel angry.

happy birthday, grandma

"is that a pot plant?"

no! it's a money tree. but same thing.

i will never love a skinny man

Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and well being. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No way!’ replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No!’ replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always
turned to you for help and you've always been there for me.

When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'

The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your life:

Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.

And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul; often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

different pages on another night

if this means that i want to put everything on hold for a while,
well, i have no idea

paulina with the glass eye

Hahah your not short. Your pretty decently tall

I know! I thought so too! Hahaha

Lol. Well your just a great person overall. So there

Thank you. You are very sweet.

Oh your so very welcome. And im glad you are really nice too. And not a bitch =)

smile and the earth stands still

it was beautiful, whereever we were
i dont know why there were so many of us there
with our families
even dillen was sitting at our table. well i only saw the back of his head
the carducci's were behind us
and i think the hindemith's were to our right
and then there was a kid. a boy. he was wearing a dress
he must have been only twelve - thirteen at the most
but everybody understood
i wanted it to be italy
it was warm and we were all together
talking
smiling
laughing
together
she came up to me and told me that he needed to tell me something
i didnt know whether to be excited or nervous
i was excited
i was nervous
he came over and he sat me down
he grabbed my hands
"i care about you - but i'm 6 ft and you're a bit too short for me."
i dont remember what i was feeling but i just got up and walked away
where could he be?
i walked or ran frantic
through a beautiful building
i swear the floor was marble
i think it might have been someone's house
what's for dinner?
and then there he was on the rocks by the ocean
and i told him
it was sunny and the warmth filled my cheeks
i told him and i was crying
he was by the ocean and i cried
and then i woke up
9:36?
no.
Daylight Savings.
8:36
i walked to the bathroom

i was crying

i and love and you

love the energy of the movement and the energy of the movement will spread beyond all boundaries.

1:10

some of us have designed our lives so tightly that any change or emergency can throw us into disaster mode.

a balancing act is different from a life of balance.

i told you not to write

and here you are, writing - yet again.
when will you figure it all out?
tell me, why is the sky blue?
reflection from the ocean.
tell me, why is the ocean blue?
reflection from the sky.

i will be who i want to be
nothing more
nothing less

point five

you are smarter than i am
it's no secret

dear dumb diary:

i am now addicted to halls

dear doctor:

i quit smoking. it hurts to swallow and i cough until i dry heave.
i can taste the blood and just keep swallowing it.

Many people find that they cough more when they quit smoking.
But this is a temporary problem.

Your bronchial tubes are lined with millions of microscopic hairs (cilia).
Normally, these hairs sweep irritants and germs out of your airways.
But tobacco smoke temporarily paralyzes the cilia.
When you quit smoking, the cilia start to regenerate and repair themselves,
which results in coughing.

Coughing may last a couple of weeks or months — until the cilia are fully recovered.
To relieve coughing, try sipping water or sucking on cough drops.
See your doctor if coughing persists longer than eight weeks or if coughing brings up sputum or blood or disturbs your sleep.

giddy up

if you're not too high up on your horse to care, here's why:
you talk to people as if they aren't on your level
don't get me wrong, you're a good looking kid
you drive a nice car and you have worked hard for it, too
i guess it takes some kind of dimension to admit the escape of stocking shelves
i don't go looking for new friends very often
and for some reason i want to be your friend
but then i think about talking to you
and i think i realized right this second
that you dont know how to talk to women

time capsule

i will always love you and i'm not really sure why
you don't talk to me too often; whenever you do it's the same topic as last time
we dont see each other and if we do you're always too far away or too busy
i guess it's the whole time capsule concept
my love for you can not be released
it can not be set free
i guess i'll just keep it to myself

two many

for the longest time i was convinced that boys were the ultimate friends
i mean, they never have drama
if they have a problem with one another they fix it in the alley
nobody says anything when they eat and make a mess
or when they spit on the sidewalk
baggy means comfortable, not slobby
and all of these things really add up to something not so complex
though i'd still like to know why boys are so confusing.

i'm pretty sure that they are only nice to you when they want something

that makes sense, doesn't it?

for as long as i can remember i have been friends with more guys than girls

that's just how it's been

i think it's better

except when you want a boyfriend

then you've either got too many to choose from

or too many that get in the way

i'm disgusting

i finally washed the sweater from may long
it has been exactly three months

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing

i'm sorry that i'm not the most promising friend
i'm sorry that you have to struggle to keep my friendship
i'm sorry that i'm selfish and rude
i'm sorry that i dont think before saying every little thing
i'm sorry that i have the worst memory
i'm sorry that i don't have the answers to your problems
i'm sorry that i'm not who you wish i would be
i could fight but i will not change.

pablo picasso

everything you can imagine is real.

beating around the right bushes

there is so much that i would love to say to you
i'm really not sure where i would start
but then again, did i ever really know where to start with you?
in your opinion, can someone that you loved stop being worth it?
define: worth it
you know there was a point where i wanted it as much as you did
but there is a difference between caring for someone and showing it
and caring for someone and showing the opposite
oh, but it always takes two
so the answer is yes, then
someone you loved can stop being worth it
just like her
and maybe just like me
because you gave up on her four years ago
and if you're okay with that, then i have nothing left to say
for right now, anyways
but the question now is,
are you okay with giving up on me?

true crime

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209936/page/1

friday, july 31

don't let this summer pass you by
even if you are not great at summers
do this one

twenty10tshirts.blogspot.com

and when sleep finally came to me last night,

...i was back at school; well, not entirely
we had taken a trip to edmonton for something or other
joe was playing the guitar
we were all designated a group to drive with
and i was a driver
we kept needing to go back and forth between the hotel and some kind of hall
i don't know why my clothes were everywhere
i decided to lay on the floor and pretend that i wasn't listening
it was dark when we had to drive back to the hotel
everybody started getting up and heading out to the parking lot
but my clothes were everywhere
and it wasn't me that brought them there
i just couldnt understand it
and everybody left me
i was trying to put everything in bags and my backpack
but everybody just left
and when i tried to call somebody, i would push 4 on my cellphone
and it would come up as 7
i just wish i could remember more

descending

four, seven, three, three
it would be easy to just turn on the light
but i never do
i count in the dark until i've reached safety

i wanna party with you, neil diamond

a party screams disaster
a party is slipping on spilt vodka
and walking around with a roll of paper towel all night
a party halts when there's coke on the white carpet
and holes in the white walls
parties get out of hand
they take all of the energy that you have
and condense it into a few hours
hours of talking about nothing
and laughing at everything
hours of fighting because it's fun
hours of pour, mix, drink
or pour, shoot, chase
haha
yeah, welcome to hell

what's the j stand for?

i love you to the moon and back

growing up the fast way

all i ever wanted to do was grow up
grow up and become a lawyer
or maybe that was just what i thought i wanted
maybe it's because that's what my mom wanted
nevertheless, i wanted to grow up
i wanted to be smart and beautiful
i wanted to be happy and talented

i love that quote about getting high from swinging at the playground
and the only things smoked were the tires on your bike
...the worst thing you could get from boys were cooties
yeah, that one

how about we get silly
silly as in staying up past curfew
silly as playing games with your heart
silly as in pro-circumcision? or no-circumcision?
silly as in sweating bullets on the dance floor on new years eve
silly as in the day that it hailed at the stampede
silly as convincing you that you're flirting with me
silly as writing stories
silly as singing colt 45 at the top of your lungs

wearing skirts does not mean that you're a slut
war is not only a card game
your heart can get broken just like your toys did
and when you're wasted, you're not talking about time anymore

i grew up the fast way
but i guess i didn't really have a choice
let me get silly
and i'll show the world how fantastic i am -
when i grow up

golf tee, wedding bell, bumble bee, huge mess, f u

i'm in love with you.
always have been.
always will be.

365 + 365/2

how do you cut three hundred and sixty-five in half?
182.5 means nothing to me
so does 547.5
but i know that today means something to me

you taught me to chew my food 20 times before i swallowed it
you taught me to follow the brightest star (north star) if i got lost in the ocean
you taught me how to play a vinyl record
you taught me how to despise somebody
you taught me how to forget that i needed somebody
you taught me how to forgive
you taught me how to start over
and you taught me how to remember what really matters most
you gave yourself ten years' time to teach me things
and i'm seventeen now
you taught me how to miss someone
and i kind of wish i never learned that one.

the beer in my glove compartment

red light
stop
left turn signal
wait your turn
green means go
flashing lights
tila oh my god!
license and registration please
baby don't take it personal
did you have your seatbelt on?
yes
i'm going to ask you again,
did you have your seatbelt on?
what's your name?
spell it out
where are you headed tonite?
i wonder if they have a list of questions to ask
baby it's just cuz i like to fuck
i'm generally a decent person
but when someone lies to me, i throw the book at them
so let this be a lesson to you
i'm not going to give you a ticket for not having your seatbelt on
but that beer in your glove compartment on the other hand...
raise your glasses for a toast

profit

today i rolled $12.50 in pennies, $6.00 in nickels, and $5.00 in dimes

my notebook

revoke my mind of these questions
they never seem to end
how do i tell him that he doesnt really want what he says he wants?
how do i tell him that i miss being around him?
how do i let him know that i think about him every day?
how do i explain that we have been lying to ourselves all this time?
how do i show him that i want him?
how do i pretend that i'm happy with what we are?

leaving him empty, just because he's a man

i am selfish beyond comprehension
i want so many people to love me

hey mr. tambourine man, play a song for me

i want to see pies on windowsills
i want to remember all of my dreams
i want to fall asleep in a flower garden
i want rainbows that don't have to come from rain
i want well over twenty-four hours in a day
i want a smile to fix a broken heart
i want music from every street corner
i want no one to wear socks and sandals
i want fire from my fingertips
i want to defy gravity
i want a mailbox attached to my house
i want to make friends with sun
i want to be a kite for a day
i want to fight a dragon
i want to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
i want so much but i'll never ask for it

today was my birthday

we all woke up and went down for breakfast

continental

those damn waffle makers

beep. beep. beep.

you have to flip it over so that the timer can start

"happy birthday!"

"yeah! happy birthday!"

short stop walked up to me

arms open

"happy birthday, addie"

little leaguers have big ears

thanks zach

practise at 10:00 am

it was already 30 degrees outside

american shale isn't like ours

it's not even red

i think it might be gravel actually

owch

our game was at 2:00 and we won

11-1

it's my fucking birthday

we had a bbq

then there was the cake(s)

everybody knows that outfielders are the best looking

hey centre field, what's your name?

do you want a birthday hug?

yeah. yeah she does.

with a face like that, of course i do

it's exciting to get sung happy birthday

by a california high school baseball team

did i mention we were all around the hot tub?

firecrackers

fireworks

running through the sprinklers

before curfew

after curfew

what's a curfew?

it was my fucking birthday.

much needed company

where did you -

where did you go -

my lovely?

i wanna know

you're absolutely right

tonite was everything that needed to happen

seeing each other in one room for the first time in a long time brings back so much

even though it wasn't everyone

it will be some day

i'll promise to try

take all your gold and you go

i meant to write about you on your birthday
but if you're out partying right now, then you probably think that it still is your birthday
or maybe i just came to that conclusion as an excuse for myself
because i never sleep; therefore, it is still your birthday to me

i've never known what to say
tonite's the night
happy 17th birthday

those twelve words stood for the everything that i never said
it's been well over 300 days and i still don't know what to say
you told me that you're still playing the impossible game
fuck that
you're 17 years old
when are you going to grow up and put on your own pair of shoes?
your dad's shoes may fit but they're really not your style
here i go again
thinking that you're the same best friend i had over a year ago

"how are you old friend?"

i guess you always knew just what to say
and to think that i still fucking miss you

what's up kid(s)

i miss you and you haven't even gone anywhere
except that you have
where, i couldn't tell you
but maybe you could
i won't ask though
because the last time that we had a serious conversation, i made you cry
i love you and i want you to know that
i have told you that you are incredible beyond words
things aren't the same as they were, but that's okay for now
we'll work it out
i don't know what's up

i walked into the house on saturday night
and after i kicked off my shoes i said, "WHAT'S UP KIDS?!"


what have you been doing in the afternoons?
how's that boy that you've been liking?
are you going to newfoundland this summer?

having the last words

take your life
hold it in your hands
what happens?
a terrible thing:
no one to blame

i was only right 4 times

almost everybody that i love believes in god
but of course, i can't believe what everybody else believes
and it is inevitable that my grandparents and i will argue about it
my grandpa stayed out of it this time though
but my grandma just doesn't understand that i realize WHY she believes what she does
she thinks that i do not understand the religion that i have been taught for 12 years
mary was a virgin?
please tell me that you can have a child without sex
my grandma; who has had two children, is among those that believe this
guess what?
mary lied.
what kind of almighty father sets up a trap for the first two people on earth
"you can have anything you want, except that... you see that right there? yeah, don't touch that"
and then god let the devil into the garden to speed up the process
guess what?
it was all a trap.

god does nothing
you told me yourself that god gives you two decisions: right and wrong
but it's all up to you to do the right thing
therefore: god does nothing
it is you that makes the decision
god does not inspire you
and that is why there are people who choose to murder others
because if god inspired you, and all god wants is good, then none of that would happen

i am happy that you have something to believe in, grandma
i said this over and over again
never once did i try to get you to believe what i do
yet you persistently attempted to explain to me what i already know
i only asked that you explain to me how it makes sense to believe what you do
and all you could manage was, 'because i just believe that'
i guess we're both too stubborn to take a breath
because i nearly lost my voice
i'm not sorry that i think the bible is bullshit
and i'm not sorry that i don't believe the same things that you do
after everything that god has not done for me, do you honestly expect me to?

i guess i'll just stare out the window
and guess what colour the next car that comes up the hill will be

oh shit, she's right

i argued with my grandma tonite about whether or not her and my grandpa were here for my birthday last year
i promise that it took up almost an entire hour
she was trying to convince me that the two of them weren't in kelowna
but they were
i made her find last year's calendar
and bring out that day timer from the 50's with the yellow pages
she writes everything in that god damn thing
and sure enough
in the square for july 2, she wrote: leave for kelowna
i'm not going to be here for my birthday this year
but that's okay
maybe we can argue again next year
i love my grandparents

coffee for the weak

i can't lay awake forever
but that is exactly what i seem to be doing
and i'm never tired
but i'm tired of that

i will never see a head turn if i say the word

for the longest time i just wanted you to stop trying to be part of my family
because there were no empty shoes
i never did any of the things with my dad that i do with you
you are two completely different people
but a father is a father
no matter the worth
you can stop trying to be part of my family
because in a way you kind of are
it's just not perfect and it never even was

"ah hullo, call me beck. it's granpa john."

you are the most amazing man in the world to me
a heart of gold
a smile like the sun
you are so funny
and what's better is you make yourself laugh
i love every minute that we spend together
i am thankful for every lesson learned
and every pound of food that you have fed me
(before and after i was full)
there is nobody that could fill your shoes
and i'm okay with that
because i wouldn't want anyone other than you
to be where you are in my life
i love you so much

i told myself i wasn't going to cry. and i lied.

the last time i remember this day at all was when we lived at 90
and by we, i mean the three of us
you came over to the house and i handed you the box
i think you knew it was a dress shirt
i can't remember if we got you a tie too
but you opened the card and then after a couple seconds asked,
"who wrote this?"
and i told you that i did
you didn't believe me so you asked my mom
and after she told you the same thing that i did, you said,
"your printing is awful"

and i know it is
i bet you didn't think that i remembered that, did you?

today's not going to be the best day
it's not going to be easy ever again
that third sunday in june
i'm already crying
the worst part is not knowing that i don't get to say it
it's that i have to think about not being able to say it

i loved you
and your printing wasn't that nice either

why do they never make sense?

i don't usually have dreams about you
except that one time during spring break
and it's weird that i always seem to dream about you
when i'm never thinking about you at all
but we were somewhere with a beach
and my family was staying on the floor above yours
you found me
and you brought me down to see your family
your sister colored her hair darker than it used to be
your mom just looked at me and said to you,
"tell her, just explain to her why..."
and so you turned to me and said,
"it's because you stole the whale and threw it back into the ocean."

but there has to be more

i'm not entirely sure how i feel about it

there are so many things to weigh in

maybe it is wrong to contact people that are no longer part of this world

but there has to be more than just this

what if somebody could answer that for us?

i just want to test it

and maybe test isn't the right word

but the whole thing is disputable in my mind right now

who is james and why wouldn't he tell us where he was from

how the hell did he know maria's dog's name when not even i knew that she's had a dog?

and when we asked him if there was anything he needed to tell us

it kept going from M to E and back to M and then E again and again

the answers are out there

i know i believe that much

dear summer:

treat me well.

calorie-free sparkling water beverage

go home, kid
something serious is going on
and i can't just stand back and watch it all happen
i just can't let you do this to yourself
it's not going to end well
nobody ever said that it was going to be easy
nobody ever said it was fair

happiness is a warm gun

she's not a girl who misses much
what the hell are you talking about?

a deal for a date

i dont have to wake up early tomorrow to be at school for choir
another year has come and gone
right before my eyes
i ask myself this time and again - where have i been?
where have i been?
i love you more than words can tell
we have been closer than siblings for years now
and i would not have it any other way
i would not have this with anyone other than you
you are an incredible part of my life that i am beyond thankful for

and today,
on the last day of grade eleven
we barbequed hot dogs and talked about our futures
our future of grade twelve
and our futures after that
a year from now, we really will be finished with high school
but we'll be far from finished with each other

i love you, so much
never will that change

people need to get off the internet and sit on a bench

"i'm outside your house"
"what?"
"are you coming?"
"yeah."

that's what i like to hear
2 cigarettes in
and we're back on track
it may be late
but it's never too late

it's even better to hear that we're both still around

stuck in drive

the sidewalks are all broken up
down the street from my house
people can't even park on their own driveways
this city controls what you do
but lets not let this world control who we are

you're an angel, angel.

2010

so when i get to thinking, all i can think about is too much
another year is closing in on me
and by year i mean school year
high school is almost two-thirds done
by golly that's more than half way
i guess i did learn a thing or two about a thing or two
so this is it kids
here we are and we're doing great things every day
one step closer to where we'll be tomorrow
and in the future
yet it's so hard to think about the future

i'm going to be on that stage next june
i'm going to walk across and shake some hands along the way
and when i turn to look at the sitting faces
i want to see the ones from kindergarten AM
and the portable in grade four
and i know that you're all going to be there

to the ones i've grown up with:
i wouldn't trade you for anything
your presence in my life has helped me become who i am today

to the ones i'm learning to grow with:
you teach me new things every day
your addition to my life is so important to who i will become

nice wheels baby, i like those legs

touch green
super trooper
lets go right meow
right back, right back
protect
i wanna see you on base
grip and rip it baby
straighten it out now
good eye

when i say go, you say fight
when i say win, you say tonite
when i say boogey on, you say down
when i say all, you say right
go.
fight.
win tonite.
boogey on down.
alright alright!
1.
2.
3.
TRIPLE THREATS!

almost noon, i mean none

i'm just sitting here wanting to write so badly
"sorry - fresh out." he would sometimes say
i guess i'll have to borrow that one for tonite

lets open our eyes for a second

i dont know when it started exactly
but when i look back and really think about it
i'm pretty sure it was right around the time
where i came back from my trip
and then you went on yours
but then we were both back
and i remember telling myself that things will roll themselves out
everything would just fall back into place
but, no
i couldn't just pick up a rolling pin and go to town
we used to spend time with each other every day
but then all of a sudden there was a 'thursday' issue
and that was fine with me
i'm so happy for you
because i know that you enjoy every minute you spend
with the new people in your life
and i know that i haven't been the best person lately
i know that i've been all over the place
and that i really should be paying more attention to what's going on right in front of me
i'm really sorry that i let it go to this

what has gotten into us?

i've got it, kid

my mom and i woke up this morning
to find 2 packs sitting on the kitchen counter
her kind and mine
and it's not the fact that he knows what we like
but it's the fact that he took the time to remember
he remembers last night
saying,
"who wants to come out."
and right away i jumped in with,
"i'm coming with one of yours."
and then there's my mom,
"well... i dont't have any..."
and he's always right back with,
"well then grab one of mine! lets go!"
and so we sat in the sunshine and talked about our day

i shouldn't complain
and i really should be handing out more credit to you
thanks for taking care of me
you always do

just stoned - not to death

and yet, all these years i'd been terrified

i would be stoned to death

if people saw through the facade

the time that we spend in impression management

is more than likely wasted

people will try and say that they honestly dont give a shit about what people think of them

who are they kidding?

everybody cares

first impressions mean nothing when someone can see right through you

noticing seasons is important

Leadership
By: Sara Mohan

It’s very simple for me to identify someone in my life that I admire. The most obvious reason is because I spend everyday with her. The person I most admire is my best friend, Adriana Laratta. It might seem cliché to choose my best friend, but I have many motives for my choice. I admire Adriana for having all these leadership qualities within her personality. She knows exactly what she wants, and she acts upon it. She is one of the most intelligent people I know at only 16 years old. She excels in school, sports, and employment while still maintaining a strong social life. Adriana does not sell herself short, either. She reaches beyond her limits, and more often than not, reaches her goals. To me, it seems like Adriana knows exactly who she is. She is not afraid to speak her mind or stand up for her beliefs. She isn’t afraid to accept challenges or take risks. She is responsible, assertive and always professional. She knows what the important things in her life are, and she does not take them for granted. We had been best friends for awhile, and through every step of the way she supported me 100%. If I ever needed anything at all, she was always right beside me to help me through it. This past year had been a really rough one for Adriana. I know this because I was there almost every day to be with her. Even after everything seemed to be going wrong, Adriana still found some way to keep a smile on her face. I’m not sure if she will ever put it behind her, but she doesn’t let it stop her from living her life. She still finds some way to be positive and hope for the best. No matter how many fights or arguments we may get into, I still have the utter-most respect for her. She isn’t afraid to tell me the truth, and she doesn’t keep secrets from me. Whether we end up being best friends again, or if we never talk again, she will always be someone I truly admire. A large portion of who I am today is because of her influence, and I am truly thankful to know her.

the next question

i enjoy being a pain in the ass
and being boy crazy
i love the feeling i get
when i accomplish something
it's deserving. and it's pride.
us girls, we dont always need to compete
there's room for all of us
maybe not in the same room
or in the same building
i guess it's trial and error

i talk and i listen
i love and i hurt
but at the end of the day
i'm just trying my best
there's no doubt about it
us girls, we compete
and we compete well

the next question:
is competing what we really want to be doing?

and when i'm finished writing

we can back out of the driveway
and put a cd on
slip our sunglasses over our eyes
to hide from the sun
and even if these shades can hide the tears i cried today
it don't matter anymore

because i called you up to say
let's go
let's take a trip out on the open road
i packed the clothes you left on my floor
so baby, let's go
we can roll the windows down
and hit up every broken town
`cuz this is how you mend a heart
and if it's not, well it's a start

the love list

RS
TC
PW
DP
MC
AK
KR
EO
BC
JM

the last nice guy

there's a lot to say today
or maybe there isn't
i have possibly said too much already
kid, you can't do this to yourself
it's a constant battle between yes and no
i might have been out of line when i told you to get out of it
to get away from her
i don't think that i was, though
even you told me yourself that there was "nothing better"
after everything was said and done
after you were over her
but you probably weren't over her, were you?
i thought a while was going to mean a while and not five days
or was it even five days?
i just want you to be happy
i dont want to see you being dragged around
and answering 'yes' to everything
you're better than that
and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less

hey graduates!

i can't help but think about switching places

in a year from now
it's going to be me going dress shopping
and finding a grad date
i'll be the one wearing the gown-thing
or whatever it's actually called
everybody will be taking pictures of me next year
god, where has the time gone - hey?

we used to go skateboarding down the alleys
we all had one length hair
we snuck beer and cigarettes from people we loved
it stopped being like that a long time ago

but here we are and we're still doing fine

hey you:
your sense of humour is a relief
you are bright and always smiling
never alter those things for anyone

and you:
you will be who you are
and your potential is incredible
keep life going, never give up

take time to look around for a minute
there is plenty of beauty in the real world
it might scare the shit out of you, but you're not out there alone
believe in yourself and everything will follow
i have high hopes for both of you
you kids are going to make people proud

living proof

i must learn to love the fool in me
the one who feels too much, talks too much,
takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often,
lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt,
promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries

i celebrate myself

how can you forget a guy you've slept with?
"toto, i don't think we're in single digits anymore."

\

you could explore the universe looking for that one person
and let me tell you, i haven't started looking yet at all
and why would i?
tell me, why should i?
i dont want to be labeled lonely, just because i am alone
i am the farthest thing from lonely
being without a guy is pretty good to be honest
it's a nice sense of irresponsibility

i think, therefore i am single

but when there's no where to stand
i wanna hold your hand

high as fuck on life and other things

there are an incredible amount of words that i could write here
astronomical, really
we have been through so much together, kid
you're older than me but you're still just a kid
we're still just kids

it's too bad that we're both just really fucked up
no wonder we dont have boyfriends
who gives a shit, really
we might as well date each other
i'd be down

how much do you expect from me?
i'd like to hope that i do my best
we have gone through huge changes in our lives
the transition to junior high was one thing
but then high school was like a vortex
and we both kind of got sucked in
we're going to be okay though
because we always have been

god, i dont even know what to write
remember when your brother's phone was ringing
and he couldn't find it
he stuck his face in the bag of chips
it was right underneath
that was the first time i ever heard, "she thinks my tractor's sexy"

lindsay rae dorey,

i just want you to know that
even though we dont talk every day
or see each other down the hall during class change
you are my best friend
we can go through a million conversations with other people
and we can walk down the hallway with a different person every day
but that will never change

i love you so much
happy birthday, beautiful

ML09 in C154 & C155

i can see that now things have changed and it's almost chaos
we grew up together and we were crazy for doing it, too
what were we thinking when we tried drugs for the first time?
we weren't thinking about being twelve
or when we kissed in the church
we were thinking about being together

sometimes i think back and i wonder where the time went
i think about having to reintroduce myself to the kids that
changed to public school after elementary
"i don't know if you remember me but i'm - "
and i hope they'd cut in with my name and say, "i remember you."

so there we were in the middle of no where
with our coolers full of hot dogs and beer
and we were sixteen
and when you do the calculations
four years doesn't seem like a whole lot
oh, but it is
and we had the best weekend that i've had in a long time
despite sleeping on the ground and peeing in the bushes

tomorrow is a new day
and we're all going to go back to our own schools
ready to get on with a normal schedule again
but we're going to miss C154 and C155
and we're never going to forget the boys from A9

...hahahahahahaha

remember this?

"well, do you?" she asked him again.
"of course," he replied.

because, of course, there was no way that he couldn't remember something like that, was there?
how did you forget the sensation of your two best friends gripping onto your arms and slowly lowering you over the side of a ten-story building? how did you forget the feeling of every cell in your body shrinking away from the ground, willing itself to crawl upwards against the force of gravity? or the knowledge that it was only your friends that held you back from the abyss? how did you forget the strength in their eyes as they hauled you back up? and how did you forget the responsibility when they asked you to do the same for them? or the sense of absolute trust, bonding, and love that such an act engendered? you didn't. that was the simple answer. it stayed with you for always.

"i wish we could do it again," she said.
"we can't. i'm not strong enough to hold you on my own, and you're not strong enough to hold me either. it would take all three of us together."
"i know." as she slipped her hand into his and squeezed it hard...
"that's why it's only a wish."

the sign on the door

so i never knew that passion was so messy
i never wanted to believe that you were somebody that i longed for
tell me that you love your life just as much as the sun
but you change your interests like a season in this city
i can only wish that music fell from trees in the fall
maybe one day
maybe some day
there will be a place for both of us

but you gotta have friends

making new friends makes you learn things about yourself
things that you forgot, or maybe never knew at all

one more friend to ask you how your day was
one more person to confront if you're having a bad one
and one more person to laugh with when something's funny

it is important to have people there
the old friends are the wisest
and the new ones are just as wise - but getting wiser
the more they get to know you

it's over, but never will be

i never did understand how sending a text message to a landline worked
but i'm really glad that it did

"happy mother's day. i love you."

you are the most incredible person in my life
and i'm not saying that because of mother's day
or because it's something that i'm supposed to say
i'm saying it because there is no better way
you have encouraged me to be the best person that i can be
and i know i will
you know i will
every decision that i make has been supported by who?
my mother
by you.

i hope that i am a remarkable mother
because i'd really like to keep up the tradition
i am so lucky
and i am so thankful - every single day
to have you in my life
to have you as my mom

there are so many things that i can list
so many things that compliment you but never do justice
we have grown together and learned from each other
everything that we possibly can
oh, but we learn more each day
because each day is another day together
and we're both a pain in the ass
but we're both completely worth it

you are my best friend
and that will never change

here's to being a mom - my mom

i couldn't have asked for a trade
not even with one of those tv moms
i do love orange juice, though.

thank god for tournaments

time away from calgary will definitely do me some good

fuck it, i'm free

that's it
for now at least
i dont have to wait till after 8:00 to make plans on a friday night
i dont have to go home early so that i can work on saturday morning
the same goes for saturday night

what am i going to do with my weekends?

i'm going to grab that red jersey with the 28 on the back
and i'm gonna throw on some long socks
grab a bat and a glove
and head out to the fucking diamonds

because that's where i'll be for the next three months
and it's about time

taurus

thank you for all of the big things
and the thirty two million little things
that you have done for me

didn't think i kept track
did you?

you - the incredible source of light and joy
everything that you say matters
every thought
every word spoken
and i need you to know that i understand and that i'm here
i am here to support anything that you partake in
we're too far in to call it quits now
so you're not off the hook just yet either
not even close

every generation has a heart
every generation has a voice
inspire the next generation to change the world
happy birthday, beautiful
you've been alive for 17 years, and you're just getting started

common decency

hypocrisy is annoying but not evil

someone who says one thing and does another

has doubled their chances of being half right

-penn jillette

the way i see it

heaven is totally overrated
it seems boring
clouds; listening to people play the harp
it should be somewhere you can't wait to go -
like a luxury hotel
maybe blue skies and soft music were enough
to keep people in line in the 17th century,
but heaven has to step it up a bit

they're basically getting by
because they only have to be better than hell.

good for me

and when i saw you tonight,
my heart skipped a beat

no.
just kidding.

i felt nothing.

and i know that you saw me too
and i'm so happy about that

give my regards to soul and romance

and so long to devotion
you taught me everything I know
wave goodbye, wish me well
you've gotta let me go

i hate this part right here

there's something better out there
in this world
and you're a part of it
forget about me.
this is you we're talking about now

take me for all that i am

this is me we're talking about
remember when i didn't know what i wanted?
i think it's different now
i know what i want
and i know what i need

this is for every hour we have ever spent together
every kiss, each embrace, and every tear shed for one another
for every memory we have created
and for just being together
for the times that we managed to work through our anger
for all the times that i distressed you, and you were patient
for all the little things that you have done
that have added up to be so great

thank you for being you
but this is me we're talking about
and i'm still here
but i can't be yours.

you run your mouth like an operation

i write every fucking day
and i dont have the words to explain how much of a turn off you are
you talk as if you know what color socks the pope wears
does the pope even wear socks?
that's a good fucking question.

it's like the killer that stalked new york
you're so well known - but for the wrong reasons

stop talking about me like you know who i am
and please
please grow up
maybe then you'll realize that people dont really see you
the way you see yourself

the weakest strength

sometimes,
she wondered whether or not she actually knew what love was
she didn't mean the kind of love that she talks about
when she leaves the house and says, "bye mom, love you"
or when she gets off the phone with her best friend saying, "love you too"
she knew all about that
that kind of love was just there
background
like bricks in a wall
it wasn't something she ever even gave much thought to
it wasn't something that could soar like a bird
or plummet like a stone
it wasn't an emotion that could be stretched one way or the other
yet remain the same
it wasn't, in other words,
the kind of emotion that overwhelmed her to no end
the kind that left her exposed, confused, ecstatic, and terrified
all at once.

foiled:

1. to prevent from being successful
2. to obscure or confuse
3. to be cut off at the knees

golden

sitting there listening to the rules of the game
the same rules that i've heard for five years now
thinking, "i wonder if she'll say anything if i lay down - here on the gym floor."
maybe it would have been rude
anyways, i didn't do it

and then high heels
cracking on the plastic coating of the bleachers
i thought: has to be her
and both of you, too
fuck yeah.

i'm so glad that the three of you all came tonight
it really was so important that you were there for me
"perfect" -
like you said after i hit her in the chin

her dad actually clapped when my shot landed out

because of you,
i was able to go into each game
knowing what to do and how to do it
thanks for looking out for me, boys

oooh yeah.

the world does not meet you half way

what the fuck does anybody want?

i want to find someone to love who loves me back
i want to eat my own heart
and shit music
i want to save the lives of all my friends
and i want to live
because he wasn't allowed to anymore
and because i'm going to change the world one day

grab onto me tightly as if i knew the way

this guy, he told me a story once:
he said, "i'm outside her house and i've got this rose in my hand
and she's up in her room and it's romantic and perfect
except there's no pebbles
there's no fucking pebbles to throw at her window
but what do i have?
i've got all this change," he says,
"so i'm throwing coins at her window
and the pennies aren't cutting it and the dimes are bouncing off into the grass
so, last resort, i'm flinging quarters and pretty soon,
i'm out like two, three dollars
more than the cost of the shitty ass rose
and i'm all out of breath on the fucking lawn alone
all for a chick who..."

bryan charles

have heart?

heart as in The Day The Music Died
heart as in love being made
heart as a haunted house, a dim memory
heart as the phone rings once and then stops
heart as throw your hands in the air
heart: as in the rest of your life times the weight of the world.

love to need; need to love

so maybe i want you
and by want,
i mean long for you to have my heart
so i'm selfish, right?
i'll take selfish
i can deal with selfish
because what i can't deal with -
is not having you in my life

i'm gonna be fine
and i'm gonna be happy
but at the end of the day
there you are

thank god.

the bad mother's handbook

...surely you didn't get an A in doing what you're damn well told

sometimes i think you're the only thing keeping me sane...

The Goodness Of god.

somewhere in the world, a man has abducted a little girl
soon he will rape, torture, and kill her
if an atrocity of this kind is not occuring at precisely this moment,
it will happen in a few hours, or days at most.
such is the confidence we can draw from the statistical laws
that govern the lives of six billion human beings.
the same statistics also suggest that this girl's parents believe - as you believe
that an all-powerful and all-loving God is watching over their family
are they right to believe this?
is it good to believe this?

no, not really.

the entirety of atheism is contained in this response.
atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world.
it is simply an admission of the obvious.
in fact, "atheism" is a term that should not even exist
no one ever needs to identify themself as a "non-astrologer" or a "non-alchemist"
we do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive
or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle.
atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.
an atheist is simply a person who believes that the 87% claiming to
"never doubt the existence of God"
should be obliged to present evidence for his existence.
an atheist is a person who believes that the murder of a single innocent little girl - even once in a million years - casts doubt upon the idea of a benevolent God.

a night by the fire

"remember when we used to play flag football
with the guys out in the field;
during recess and lunch?"

yeah.

we were ten and eleven years old
we had no worries
and we didnt think twice about our actions

yeah.

we were so young then
and look where we are now
everything has happened for a reason
we are who we are because of each other

the four of us driving to brad's last night
made me miss so much of what used to be
tight shirt tim
willis and the shampoo commercials
lindsay and everything from then till now
i love spending time with all of you
and it was so great to have last night back in my life

never lose sight of who you are.

why?

the young man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.

i broke something, Old Man
how badly is it broken?
it's in a million little pieces
i'm afraid i can't help you
why?
there's nothing i can do
why?
it can't be fixed
why?
it's broken beyond repair

it's in a million little pieces.

school came to me last night

except in my dream it looked different
but we all knew that it was our school
everybody had a huge math test
and kayla studied like nothing else
she had a chart and diagrams; all colour-coded
it filled an entire table
i'd say about 25 feet long
meghan told us a couple questions that were on it
and then i asked an asian girl what the most important fish was
and she said "trout"
but she was wrong
she thought i was talking about the most important fish in the ocean or something
where was her head at?

maybe we weren't at school
because we were all assigned rooms in groups
and sara and i were in one room with some other people
and then angel came
and then i saw you
you were back at my school
there you were, catching up with all of the football guys
and when you saw me, i turned around and went back into my room
but you followed me
told me that you wanted to talk
tried to grab me
no
i didn't want to talk
i didn't want to hear what you had to say
even if you were going to explain why you straight up took off from my life
or that time i played at your school
where were you then?
you said you wanted to talk then, didn't you?

i was not thinking about you
last night, before i fell asleep
i did really well
your family liked me
you told me yourself

but that was a long time ago now
and you're just a kiss in the wind

expensive tastes

Strings attached, fake eye lashes
Broke apart the piggie bank for petty cash
Sensitive sister blushin', don't stare
Watch the children squabblin' in the square

Tip my hat, low windows
Once I saw you naked, there was nothing to show
Piano place and out of tempo
Of all the girls of in our class she's the most refined

I'd like to be there in the morning when you wake up
Maybe pipe dream, but come easter we could pack up
I'd like to be there in the morning when you wake up
Maybe pipe dream, but come easter we could pack up

I like to show up at your door step
Wipin' the wintertime in name attack
And meet your family, couple of them cookin'
Take the peanuts to

I refuse to take that job
Just because i'm poor don't mean I can't be a snob
Strawberry hair, fair freckled skin
Waiting like a creep outside till the end

Shy expression shown on her shoulders
Bought this house with money that your grandfather stole
Much too young, save the imagination
Ruin an elegant girl's reputation

I'd like to be there in the morning when you wake up
Maybe pipe dream, but come easter we could pack up

Woah, woah
Woah, oh
Woah, oh
Woah, oh

And when they ask me my occupation
I'm a prayin and working on my patience
I got no good friends, politic party
Parents take my car keys

Now that time, rollin' smoke for trades
drink my waiting coffee at the penny arcade
rows of shoes, shelves of jewerly
Mama's dying her hair in the vanity

Daddy's watch too tight, try silver spoon for size
Harder than a needle through a camel's eye
Folks gather around the table, find a place
Boys that girl don't have expensive tastes

family feast-er, happy easter

rule number one: love your family.

endlessly.
always.
regardless.

your family should be the most important thing in your life.

because honestly, who else do you have?

yeah, you have your best friend or your boyfriend or girlfriend
yeah, you have your neighbour john or that kid that works at the till next to yours
but they weren't there at the hospital when you weighed under ten pounds
and they weren't there that time you finally took off your training wheels
they didn't hand you the keys to a car on your 16th birthday
and they're going to film your entire graduation even if it says "no videography, please"

other than walking downstairs into my kitchen,
it is about a six minute car ride to the houses of the most important people in my life
the people that love me endlessly, always, and regardless

you: please don't lose sight of who should be important
i know it's hard - believe me, i've been there
and i have spent days - months, even
trying to convince myself that somebody who was without question an important figure, wasn't
nobody will ever know what they want
but it's more important that you know where to start
i'm going to be my mom and tell you to be the better person
promise me that one day you'll give it a try
she needs all the help that she can get
regardless of what she has done
she is not worth your anger

i hope everybody ends up with their family today - somehow
no matter where they are
because i'm going to be on skype with my family in Italy

over 14 hours away and an 8 hour time difference wont stop us
no way.

because they're never going to meet

so maybe we were off to a great start

there were too many people
and nowhere to stand
tell me: how do i act upside-down in this land?
when no one knows a thing about love

it's too bad that we could have been read off paper

i wanted to tell you that i hated those things
but i couldn't, so i didn't
i was exposed to a relationship for once
and i didn't know a thing about love

for a long time there was something i could not solve

as smart as we both may be, there was something deeper
it was set it stone and it was far beyond our reach
i knew that i was safe
but i just wanted to be alone

i put my heart in your hands

so what if i was scared?
while my mind was saying yes, my heart was saying: slow
be careful
because they're never going to meet

and as for me

i'm not going anywhere any time soon
take care of yourself for me
because i still want us to be in each other's lives
even if we can't be each others'

ps. i still read your horoscope every chance i get

i'm sitting on the plane right now. i'm coming home.

thinking about what i want to say to you is safer than writing this, but i can't get you out of my mind.

(this may seem like just another complaint of mine but i assure you that it's different)

in other words, this is my final, moral outreach

i get that you cant be friends with me. and i understand that i have been difficult and unfair to you.

for these things, you know i am sorry.

i blame myself for not trying hard enough and for letting you down.

whether i wasnt thinking or was thinking too much, it's too late to tell.

but listen to me:

you are a fantastic person. you are compassionate and thoughtful. you go to lengths that not even you understand their significance. you are smart and funny and you have so much ahead of you. and you told me yourself that you're not going to let anything get in the way of it. you stay away from things that you have no desire for. everybody should do that.

too bad nobody knows what they want.

i may be starting to sound like a broken record.

but i never know if i'm actually going to get to where i want to be

so i guess it's a lot easier when you start off somewhere you've already been

yes, i'm scared to love and depend on somebody so entirely.

yes, i should have put in more effort and not given up so soon, so easily.

and yes, i have thought about it every day since.

how do you really feel about me?

where does your mind go at night - when you're laying in bed; trying to fall asleep?

there's more.

you taught me how to feel safe again. you allowed me to feel safe.

you scared me hardcore with the 'i love you'

because i remember running away the first time

and maybe i'm selfish - but i'm all that i can be right now

i will never stop caring about you and i feel selfish for that, too.

because after what i did to you, i dont deserve to still care.

but that's just how i feel.

maybe i've just got a lot of growing up to do.

you drove me crazy. good crazy and bad crazy.

but i was okay with that in the beginning

we're both a little bit difficult

but maybe for a second or two we understood each other

i have a lot of secrets - and you have a lot, too

i wanted you to be completely and utterly real with me

raw and honest

because i know that you've never been like that with others

i wanted to be there to give you advice and tell you to smarten up if i had to

i wanted to tell you that i hated walking with you to chem,

and that i hated being grabbed by the waist.

but i couldn't.

because i loved that you wanted me and that you were happy

for the longest time, i felt like the world had turned it's back on me

and so, i turned my back on the world

and here i am today, begging for the world to let me back in

so that i can figure out what i want

i'm sorry for letting go, walking away, giving up - on myself, on us.

i know that i didnt do the best or most. not even close.

and just between you and me:

i realized how much i actually cared about you the very next day